I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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