im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
