I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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