don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
