Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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