Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
