the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
