I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
