apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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