Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
