GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
