I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I deserve this hangover.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
