she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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