Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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