just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
