found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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