I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
