Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
