So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
