im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
