my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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