well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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