dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
