Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
