So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
