How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
