Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
