My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
