drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
