if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
A bitchslap is in order.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
