drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
