My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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