I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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