Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
