he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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