There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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