If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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