i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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