Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
