Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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