The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
