I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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