Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
