If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
