How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
