worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
