My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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