i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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