So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
