no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
