I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
